Should we keep our kids from getting mad at us?

Wednesday found me sharing the geek lifestyle with a wonderful group of parents in Pacific Palisades, CA. Hosted by Calvary Christian School, the event included folks from five nearby schools who enthusiastically listened as I offered my alternative to the culture of cool.

After my talk, we opened the floor for questions and comments. I appreciate that parents are willing to ask questions that help us find specific strategies to deal with the situations we all face while parenting in this culture.

The most interesting question on Wednesday? How do we make tough decisions that are different from other families without making our kids mad at us or even causing them to hate us later in life?

I confessed I couldn’t really answer that question, as I have no idea how to make tough decisions that won’t make kids mad! Ask any one of my four kids and they’ll be most willing to tell you that they absolutely don’t agree with or enjoy all the policies and decisions we implement in our home.

But that wonderful, honest mom actually offered up the most compelling reason that I believe parents are struggling these days. When I did the research for my book, I discovered data that proves that moms and dads know what is best for kids (i.e., media limits, internet supervision, family time at home, etc.); yet parents also report they don’t do many of the things they believe are best for their kids. I think that mom’s question – the fear of creating bad feelings with our kids – is the reason for this disconnect.

We seem to expect that parenting should always feel good! I can tell you most emphatically that some of the best parenting my husband and I have ever done has been difficult, demanding and sometimes emotionally grueling.

The reason it works is that we always present our decisions in this context: “Because we love you.” We know that our decisions sometimes make our family different from others, and we know this means our kids sometimes feel excluded from the experiences of their peers. But when we explain to our children that we are obligated to use our best judgment on their behalf, and when we ask them to understand that this is our most important job, they seem to accept and respect our authority.

The sooner we get past that fear of our kids emotional retribution, the sooner we’ll have the confidence to do what we know is best for our children. But just in case you ever need some moral support, send me an email and I’ll be happy to cheer you on!