This party held few surprises

“Never again.” That was Betsy’s verdict Saturday morning after hosting a surprise birthday party the night before. Unfortunately, my high school senior learned a lesson that stings many a hostess – manners aren’t what they ought to be.

Betsy had big plans for a surprise party for two friends who share a birthday. She created invitations which she distributed with precise timing so as not to jeopardize the surprise. She also issued invitations on Facebook. Several kids told her they planned to come and would see her on Saturday, though a fair number of kids never replied, even with the point and click convenience of a Facebook response.

When I asked Betsy how many teens we could expect at our home, she couldn’t give me a clear answer but instead had to guess based on snippets of conversations at school and a few text messages she received.

Betsy spent all day Saturday getting ready for the party. She made a trip to the store for balloons, streamers and paper goods. She bought fancy cupcakes. She asked a few friends to bring snacks and soda, and asked us to help with the pizza, which we were happy to do.

But after a handful of friends arrived, the evening became awkward. Rather than hide behind the furniture and pop out when the lights went on, as Betsy had asked, the guests decided to hide in a closet. Short story: the surprise fell flat.

But a big surprise for Betsy was when one of the guests of honor left the party early rather than stay until the end. Betsy was astonished that she put so much effort planning and executing a party for someone who seemed so… unimpressed.

Thus her conclusion: Never again.

We don’t want our daughter to become cynical and we certainly don’t want her to judge other friends based on the rude behavior of some. But we had to agree that the overall lack of manners she experienced is pretty universal.

We might ask ourselves why kids don’t exhibit better manners but we shouldn’t.  Practicing good manners is no longer a habit for adults, so it’s no wonder our children aren’t well schooled in social graces.

I’m recalling a conversation with dear friend who hosted a cocktail party during the recent holiday season. Her email invitation asked for replies, “regrets only.” We had planned to attend but I cancelled by email on the afternoon of the bash because my husband was ill. I chose to use email because that was the format in which she’d done the inviting, and I knew she’d be busy getting ready for her event.

The following week, my friend let me know that my email was one of the only replies she’d received. Since the party was “regrets only,” she assumed she’d be having a large gathering. But most of the folks she invited simply never bothered to let her know if they were coming to her home or not. The part that really hurt? “These are people who know better,” she said.

I wonder if we have equated the whole notion of “manners” with some outdated, over-formal rules of etiquette, like using a particular fork or making an introduction in a prescribed way. Our desire for a more casual culture may be promoting the idea that it’s unnecessary to observe traditional rules of behavior known generally as “manners.”

But manners aren’t rules or customs. Manners are any behavior intended to show consideration for others. We’re mannerly when we acknowledge an invitation or a gift, recognize the generosity of a friend who hosts a party or just talk to the people standing next to us instead of incessantly texting with other friends who aren’t there (a current frustration of my middle schooler who is one of a few without a phone).

Manners are all the things we do to show other people that we value them and care about their feelings.

Doens't seem like such an outdated idea, right?