Texting (and sexting) back in the news

Teens and text messaging are back in the news this week. A new study says teenagers send an average of 80 text messages a day, and the researcher who did the study, pediatrician Dr. Martin Joffe of Greenbrae, California, is worried about the effects of this growing habit. He sees kids with anxiety, distraction, falling grades, repetitive stress injuries and sleep deprivation. He found that teens are texting for hours after their parents believe they have gone to bed, and that unlimited texting plans mean parents aren’t taking note of the excessive texting habits their kids have developed.

I share Dr. Joffe’s concerns but I have a few others, too. Here’s why: On Monday, my son Jimmy and his pal Tyler took a Memorial Day bike ride and came back hungry. (What else is new?) Unfortunately, he and his pals had eaten pretty much everything in the pantry over the three-day weekend, so I offered to take the boys to get pizza at Little Caesar’s. I sat in the car while they went inside to see how much hunger they could stave off for $10.

Next thing I know, there’s a new text on my phone. I click it to see that Jimmy has sent me a message from inside the pizza place: “It will be about 5 min.”

SERIOUSLY?! My son sent me a text message from inside a pizza store, while I sat in my car no more than five feet from the door.  It wasn’t raining, there was no line, and there was no impediment to simply sticking his head out the door and speaking to me through the open window of my van.

I sent Jimmy a return message that said: “Texting when I am five feet away = interpersonal communication FAIL.”

When Jimmy came out with the pizza, I said, “Um… in case I never mentioned this about the text messaging feature, never use it to speak to someone who is within shouting distance.” We haggled a bit about what constituted shouting distance, and our exchange was in good fun, but he got the message.

Aside from the very reasonable health concerns expressed by Dr. Joffe, my bigger issue is that texting is permitting the laziest form of human communication. Why bother to speak personally to someone – or even to call and talk by phone – when you can send cryptic messages that now are considered routine and acceptable?

Technology permits lots of good things in our lives, and I’m all for it when it enhances relationships. But we parents need to do a better job of helping our kids understand when and how to use technology – and why it’s crucial to be comfortable talking and relating to one another the old fashioned ways.

Another issue that came up in the news was a provocative statement by a Canadian college professor about the innocence of “sexting” among children. Dr. Peter Cumming of York University, a children’s literature professor, claimed at a conference that “Bush’s America” is attempting to punish children for simply acting on their desires to be sexual beings. He equated sexting with games such as spin-the-bottle and playing doctor. He said adults are reacting to it in the same way they did in the 1950’s to Elvis Presley’s sexy dance moves.

He’s wrong. Dr. Cumming may think it’s healthy and normal for children to express their sexuality, and of course we know that children are naturally curious and interested in their bodies as they grow and change. But sexting – sharing hypersexual images of oneself via text messaging – is not a normal exploration of one’s budding sexuality. It’s exploitative and exhibitionistic and it reflects the saddest, most self-destructive misunderstanding of what it means to be a sexual person.

Kids are sexting because they think that’s what it means to be sexy. Where do they get such an idea? The media, of course. Children and teens report that the media is among their most reliable sources of information about sex. But a close study of sex in the media proves that messages about sexuality are distorted to promote early onset of sexual behavior. (There’s more on this issue in my book “Bringing Up Geeks.”)

I believe sexting reflects the very poor self-esteem of some young people and their complete lack of understanding about the role of sexual intimacy in relationships. They’re desperate for attention and affection, and they think being sexy is how you get it.

For that matter, the incessant texting habits of teens – not those that contain sexy photos but simply those constantly asking, “What R U doin?” – may indicate an underlying insecurity about being included and needing to feel constantly reassured of social standing.

The bottom line for me: We parents need to stay on top of this whole text message thing if we’re going to use it in a way that’s healthy and helpful. Texting in itself is fine, but shouldn’t replace phone calls or face-to-face conversations. Sexting is a sign there are serious issues that need to be addressed.

Every so often, if we’re smart moms and dads, we’ll pick up our child’s cell phone and scroll through the texts, both sent and received. And don’t do this on the sly – ask questions about the messages, make sure you know who they’re from, and use them as springboards for conversations that keep you in the loop of your child’s social life.